Abortion
- Democrats
are generally for abortion. Unwanted pregnancy is -- like addiction to
drugs or alcohol, tardiness, and procrastination -- an affliction and
therefore needs to be treated by the government.
- Republicans
are generally opposed to abortion unless of course it is one's own
daughter that got knocked up, in which case the decent thing to do is to
ship her off to some distant city where private but expensive medical
care can be provided and the local community is spared the details.
Animals
- Democrats
believe that wild animals should have all the rights of humans,
protected from any harm and allowed to die slow and agonizing deaths
like most of the world's humans do.
- Republicans
believe that wild animals were put here for the sport of hunting,
provide a little expensive but gamy and tough meat, and an occasional
fur coat for the missus.Both
think that domestic animals and the raising thereof need massive
government support. This often results in an excess of such animals,
which are then killed, burnt or buried instead of being shipped off to
starving humanity around the world because to do so might upset the
local economy.
Capital Punishment
- DemocratsBecause
Democrats are genetically compassionate, they are opposed to capital
punishment especially if it is someone who has tortured and molested 27
women and children to death as it is self evident that such a person has
had a bad childhood, probably having his pacifier forcibly taken before
he was nine years old. However, Democrats do make an exception to this
opinion, if the victims were actually a close friend or part of the
family. That family includes the family of government employees such as
those that were blown up in Oklahoma City. In cases like that, the guy
ought to be hung out in the sun by his testicles and left to die a slow
death.
- RepublicansThe
Republican's position on this issue is clear and is based upon the
Judeo/Christian bible: an eye for an eye. That we are not always
completely sure that we have the right dude before we send him on his
way to St. Peter is not really all that serious of an issue. "God will
sort it out" is their most commonly stated rationale for slaughtering a
group of people that from their very looks it is obvious that they are
guilty -- of something. Actually God really only gave us a hint as to
the real possibilities: how about a lopped head for a mashed finger, for
instance? That certainly should work even better. I understand that
there are now over 50 offenses for which you can be given a quick
dispatch to meet your maker.
The Children!
- Democrats
love children as a group but find individual children a pain in the
butt. "We do it for the children" is an extremely effective slogan for
the populace whether the particular program at issue is robbing the
tobacco companies or grabbing more land in Colorado. The annoyance of
individual children is easily appeased by hiring illegal aliens for
house nannies.
- Republicans
love individual children but find supporting the class of children as
not part of God's plan (see Jeremiah 18:21: "So give their children over
to famine; hand them over to the power of the sword.")
Crime
- Democrats
know that when someone commits a crime, it is society that has failed
and should have to pay -- in the form of higher taxes and reduced
freedom.
- Republicans
believe that every person inherently knows right from wrong, whether
they were raised by harlot on the mean streets of East St. Louis or by a
wealthy Episcopal minister in the ritzy 'burbs of Germantown. They know
that the solution to violent crime is to beat the hell out of the
perpetrators.
Drugs
- DemocratsDemocrats
have no qualms about about recreational drugs. In fact they think the
use of such drugs is cool. However, medicinal drugs are another matter.
Since they think of the general populace as children, they want these
drugs highly regulated.
- RepublicansRecreational
drugs are absolutely verboten according to the Republicans. It is
rumored that many folks actually have great fun with such drugs,
therefore they are opposed, of course, as it is a basic principle of
Conservatism that having too much fun is bad for the character.
On
the other hand, Republicans would allow you to prescribe and buy
medicinal drugs without constraint as the drug industry is quite
profitable. If you use the wrong drug or a bit too much, then the
subsequent repairs to your body will again raise the national income
just a bit.
Republicans
support the consumption of vast quantities of alcohol even though it
kills more people by a factor of ten than all the "illegal" drugs
combined. This makes sense because while it may get you high and out of
control, technically it is not a "controlled substance".
The Drug War Strangely,
while Republicans oppose the use of recreational drugs and Democrats
are much more tolerant, they both support, with great enthusiasm, the
so-called War on Drugs (WOD). That is because the WOD has little to do
with drugs but is big business with large profits and incentives as well
as an expression of political agendas and control.Making
a distinction between Republicans and Democrats with regard to the WOD
is difficult for several reasons that are fundamental to what government
is all about. I list a few:
- The
WOD allowed that time-honored tradition of governments -- the seizure
of private property -- to be re-instated (amazingly, with citizen
approval!). History tells us that in ancient times, governments
satisfied their desire for accumulating wealth by simple and honest
plunder and property seizure. As governments got smarter, they organized
the theft, provided a stable environment for its culture and labeled it
"taxation" (See Mancur Olson's essay, "Dictatorship, Democracy, and
Development", American Political Science Review, Sept. 1993). I
quote Olson (discussing the successful evolution of Chinese warlords):
"The warlords had no claim to legitimacy and their thefts were
distinguished from those of roving bandits only because they took the
form of continuing taxation rather than occasional plunder." (In these
modern times, the plunder sometimes has even more sophisticated titles
such as "surcharge" as used by the recently imposed fee on anyone who
has more than one telephone line.)
- The WOD allows the meddling in the affairs of small defenseless countries at will.
- The
WOD provides another great opportunity to collect and spend great
quantities of taxpayer's hard earned cash without any serious
opposition. The reason for this is that the Drug problem is very close to being a natural disaster -- which governments love as they can spend freely without complaints.
That said, there are small but helpful differences:
- DemocratsThe
Democrats, as well as the Republicans, support the WOD, if for no other
reason, because to do otherwise would result in the loss of votes.
However, Democrats also support the concept as it allows the U.S. to act
as the world policeman. Socialism is never going to work without
one-world government.
- RepublicansThe
Republicans love the WOD because it allows us to build up the military,
throw a lot of people in jail that don't come around to the prescribed
religious/moral values, and is very profitable.
Education
- Democrats
are for universal government provided education and to make it fair,
all educational institutions must be equally bad. Of course that only
applies to the general population -- politicians send their own children
to private schools so that when they graduate they might actually be
prepared to make a decent living and they will not be biased against the
values of public education for the masses.
- Republicans
support private education but do not see any reason why the
institutions shouldn't be government funded. They particularly like the
idea of religious or military schools that are better equipped to teach a
state of perpetual obedience.
Environment
- Democrats
see the "environment" as another means to control the masses. Even if
"Global Warming" only exists in the heads of some out-of-work pacifists,
it is certainly a powerful tool to keep the masses towing the line.
Further, it is an unbelievable sink hole for public funds. Have you ever
looked at what the asbestos scare cost?
- Republicans
were a little late in appreciating the merits of environmentalism and
have therefore had to live with some bad press. However, someone finally
showed them how much money could be made by simply declaring Freon 12
as the main cause of Global Warming from which billions were made
developing and selling a new coolant. This brought them around and now
they frantically trying to find the next common household product to ban
-- like toilets that use too much water.
Government Spending
- DemocratsDemocrats
make no excuses about massive government spending. For the government
to provide a happy, healthy, shameless, and even exciting society, for everyone,
regardless of their personal means, requires a massive amount of cash
from the citizens as well as all you can borrow. Further, to make sure
that no citizen gets into trouble and is in bed each night at a
reasonable hour, a huge government staff is a necessity. This, in turn,
requires every dime the public can spare and just a bit more.
- RepublicansRepublicans,
in their hearts, and especially at campaign time, really would like to
cut back on government spending -- especially such luxuries as the
social, environmental, and health programs. But there are necessities
that it would be irresponsible to avoid. Such things as National
Defense, which requires a military budget far greater than any we have
had in any major war, can no more be cut back than you can cut back on
helping the folks back home that need a superhighway to the new park out
in the country. These are essential expenditures unlike the "feel good"
stuff of the Democrats. When Iraq threatens our shores by such hostile
actions as flying one of their planes over the southern half of their country, we better be ready for action.
Individual Liberty
- DemocratsDemocrats are great believers in the concept of Liberty for all of humanity. It's just that individual humans
need to be restrained -- for their on good of course. It would be
irresponsible to let an individual endanger their health by eating
greasy theater popcorn or drinking water from a mountain stream that
some fish has peed in (and hasn't been tested by a government agency).
Sadly, when you face the reality, every aspect of human activity must be
controlled by the superior knowledge of the government bureaucrat. That
government bureaucrats themselves are sometimes accused of being human
is a fallacious argument as their holistic association results in
superior knowledge.
- RepublicansRepublicans
would like to give people lots of freedom especially those that are
economically active such the officers of large corporations and farmers.
However, some aspects of human nature just cannot go unpunished. There
must be law and order. Violence must be stopped if we have to kill every
one of the sorry bastards. Republicans feel that they have the
monstrous responsibility of enforcing God's word. It is not a matter of
public vote. People who have unapproved sex, get high on anything
(including testosterone) except approved drugs such as alcohol,
cigarettes, and caffeine, don't regularly go to an approved church,
allow their kids to kiss before they get married, and talk smart to
policemen that are dutifully beating the hell out of them, must receive
appropriate punishment.
Military
- Democrats
are very fond of the military as it is a vast receptacle of funds and
the defense industry has the reputation of being basically a giant
welfare program for mostly engineers and scientists, without which
millions of them would have to get a real job.
- Republicans
also love the military for its capacity to absorb unbelievably large
quantities of money. Even more they appreciate the importance of
importing American Justice to sometimes unreceptive countries by means
of our military.
Privacy
- Democrats
believe in the sacred right of privacy as guaranteed by our Founding
Fathers. Unless, of course, it involves money, children, or your
conversation on the phone (it is well known that phones are sometimes
used by terrorists).
- Republicans
see no particular reason why you would want privacy. What's the matter:
You got something to hide? If you are not doing anything criminal, then
privacy should not be a concern, according to them. Too much privacy is
a real hindrance to getting every one in jail that ought to be there.
Private Property
- Democrats
believe that all property should be shared equally among the people and
enough to the animals to ensure their welfare (which they can't do for
the people as there is just not enough). To insure the proper usage of
property, the government, of course, must be the actual custodian of the
property. What you think is yours is actually only on loan to you and
may be recalled at any time. The whining of property owners that lose up
in the millions of dollars when the government declares that a piece of
property is needed for R&R for traveling geese is misplaced as it
never belonged to these so-called property owners in the first place.
- Republicans,
on the other hand, definately believe in the right to private property
as clearly enunciated by our Founding Fathers. But there is one small
catch: The Bible is older than the Constition and trumps it. The bible
points out very clearly, "When an ox gores a man or a woman to death,
the ox must be stoned; the flesh may not be eaten. The owner of the ox,
however, shall go unpunished", Exodus 21:28. That means that if your
house or your car or your bank account is in any remote way associated
with a crime, then it must be "stoned to death". The modern translation
of "stoned to death" is "given to the government".Surprizingly,
an amazing amount of property is in someway related to a crime. For
example, let us say that some pot dealer is driving down the street and
decides to turn his car around using your driveway. It is obvious that
your property has now aided in a crime for if it had not been there, the
druggie's auto would have fallen into a bottomless pit. Case closed.
Racial Issues
- Democrats
believe all "minority" races to be "disadvantaged" and to need
government help. An exception is made for the Orientals because they
stubbornly insist on doing quite well for themselves and refuse to suck
up. They see minorities mainly as large block votes at bargain prices.
Classes should not be encouraged to mix as we need to retain each of
their cultures.
- Republicans
have always been fond of the people of color as they have been very
well behaved house servants every since Lincoln freed them from slavery.
Classes should not be allowed to mix as an inferior offspring will
result. Some claim that hybrids in the animal world are usually superior
to their parents but this is easily answered as humans obviously are
not animals!
Religion
- Democrats
think religion is cool especially if it is "New Age", ancient Native
American superstitions, Far East shamanism, or African witch doctors.
What they can't stand are the low class, red neck religions like Church
of God and Southern Baptists.
- Republicans
are in full support of religion and see it as every citizen's duty --
as long as it is "main line". The definition of "main line" is left up
to the politicians, of course.
Sex
- Democrats
are in full support of sexual activity, especially if it is a little
kooky. The concept of the old fashioned "male-female" sexual interaction
is best left to the lower animals.
- Republicans
know that the purpose of sex is for procreation and not pleasure. If
you must have pleasurable sex, which by definition would be outside of
the marriage, then for God's sake have the decency to lie about it!
Smoking
- Democrats
consider any form of smoking of tobacco that is produced by the large
corporations to be evil. The only material acceptable for smoking is
marijuana or Native American ritual tobacco. If you are invited to the
home of one of your cool friends and are handed a joint, do not think
you have to eat it just because there is a sign on the wall that says,
"Thank you for not Smoking".
- Republicans
think smoking is fine as long as it provides the opportunity to ship
large quantities of money to the subsidized tobacco farmers and
producers. Of course the smoking of any "controlled substance" is not
permitted even if tobacco kills far more people. Because, it is the law,
you idiot. Republicans are for law and order. Lots of both.
War and other "World Cop" Activities
- Democrats,
the "Peace Party", are strongly against war and other police actions
and will attempt to create legislation to limit presidential powers and
to influence public opinion -- during Republican administrations. Of
course, if the Democrats happen to be in charge, then such activities
are OK because their purpose is to stop violence and to "prevent further
suffering and bloodshed".
- Republicans,
on the other hand, have no hesitation in bombing any recalcitrant
country (those that refuse to accept aid in return for submission to
U.S. control) "back to the stone age", unless, of course, the Democrats
are in power. In that case, they are opposed to such acts because
Democrats rarely have a decent "exit strategy". ("Exit Strategy" is a
term often used in discussions of sexual activity. It is sort of the
opposite to "foreplay".)
Wealth
- Democrats
believe in the concept of "equal distribution of wealth" even if they
happened to be hoarding quite a pile of it. They justify this by the
fact that to do their job requires that they live in a certain high
class style that allows them to associate with the influential.
- Republicans
believe that hard work and the economic "invisible hand" will make sure
that anyone who deserves it gets it or the reverse as the case may be.
By definition, if you are broke and living off the street, you deserve
it.
Leon Felkins
is a coordinator for FEAR (Forfeiture Endangers American Rights), a
national nonprofit organization dedicated to reform of federal and state
asset forfeiture laws.
Got a suggestion for Leon's dictionary? Drop him a line at leonf@magnolia.net!
For more guest commentary in American Politics Journal, click here.
Copyright © 1999, Leon Felkins
All rights reserved
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